it's about 530am right now and i havent gotta any sleep. i was suppose to cram for my midterm today, but, as usual, i've procrastinated and found every single distraction i can find to delay my studying. i've only got done review 1 out of the 3.5 chapters covered on the test. i have to be at work in two hours. now i have to find a way to make some study time during work.

lucky for me the teacher allows a cheat sheet, now i just need to put everything i can fit on one piece of paper.

damns.

this past week has been a pretty busy one. its the first week back from spring break and i still feel lazy as fuck. chopped down a huge tree in the backyard with my dad, the work load at the office is picking up and school still sucks balls. i just finished my taxes late last night and confirmed the booking on the car rental for vegas this weekend. i still need to pack!

i'm pretty excited about vegas. we're rolling up there for ronnie and hiep's bday. and whoever else has an april bday. it should be pretty damn fun.

havent posted anything in a while.. well obviously. i actually have a few drafts, but i never finished the entry so maybe when i find the time to organize my thoughts i'll finish and publish them.

i've been trying to revert back to the good ol' pen and paper. i bought a few pocket sized moleskine's a while back, and i've been trying to put them into use.

my dreams have been crazy. it's weird, because i usually don't remember them, but lately my dreams have been having me put in all these strange scenarios. wonder what they mean. wish i could learn how to lucid dream.

damns, i hate when i fob out at work. especially with the non-filipinos in my office. it just happened... it doesnt happen too often, but when it does its like out of no where. guess the pure pinoy in me saw the opportunity and fucked up my pronounciation. it caught me off guard, i was pretty close to busting out laughing at myself, but i recovered quick and ended the conversation and got out of there.

right now im in my cubicle, just waiting for the day to end. sucks to be working on Christmas eve, especially when i dont have all my shopping done. procrastination's a bitch.. story of my life i guess.

to the few that know about this blog and actually read it, Merry Christmas. take care and be safe.

so its been four months since the initial 'scare' with my Lolo. i've been trying to visit him more at my cousin's house, but its hard for me to see him like that. he's still staying strong, or at least trying to, but he's noticeably weaker and he's dropped a lot of weight. Lately, for some reason, he's been just speaking in English, which he doesnt usually do. it's kind of weird and im not sure why he's doing it.

its the holiday season now, but i dont really feel the 'holiday spirit.' the holidays havent been the same since my Lola passed away last December. and unfortunately, the relationship within my family have pretty much deteriorated. i mean, the cousins still try to 'act' like its the same and everything's fine, but its difficult with our parents having so much drama with each other. sometimes i just dont want to deal with it, and that makes visiting my Lolo even harder. im just praying for my family and my Lolo, because i guess thats all i can do.

rip

just feeling a bit reminiscent..


Landlord evictedSay goodbye to Landlord Jim's
By Kelly Davis

Last year, voters approved $870 million in bond money for local community-college expansion, and earlier this year, part of that money was used to purchase, among other properties, a building at 1546 Broadway, one block south of San Diego City College. Tenants were allowed to stay on until the school was ready to move ahead with its plans (eight months ago, a City College spokesperson told CityBeat that a nursing-school facility was planned for the site, though CityBeat wasn't able to confirm this by press time). Last week, the building's tenants finally received a notice to vacate.
The building's former owner, Jim Hildreth, opened a bar there 30 years ago and named it after himself--Landlord Jim's. Hildreth died in 1999 and left the building, and the bar, to his daughters Sara and Virginia. Landlord Jim's had a reputation for being a dive, so when Sara took over as the bar's manager in 2004, her goal was to make it into something better.
"San Diego's a bit culturally challenged," she said. "There's not a lot of support for up-and-coming artists." The Voz Alta art gallery was already next door, so Sara gave people another reason to stop by, hosting DJs and arts events like Visual Graffiti. The bar kept its old-school look but started to attract a younger, hipper crowd.
Sara said the bar will stay open until Jan. 5, 2008. There are no plans to relocate--"the rent would be too high anywhere else"--and no point in fighting to stay since eminent-domain law allows a public entity to buy private property if it plans a "higher and better use" for the site. Sara, 31, plans to go to school full-time and study child development.
"We've all had a good ride," she said.



wish we had another bar to frequent thats as great as landlord jim's was.

random camera phone pictures throughout the year.

so....
its been a while. guess its time for a random post.

these are the pictures ive been taking with my phone for the past year. i was surprised when i found them, i didnt realize i was keeping all these pictures. these are pretty much random pics from when i felt like taking a pic with my phone.



october. shot of the fires last year from nebraska st, in front of bell.


november. took a trip to vegas for archie's birthday, the last of our group of friends to turn 21. great times. cant wait for round 2.



january. changed my work schedule to three half days a week, due to the school semester, while maintaining close to a full time workload.



march. decide to participate in critical mass. picture was taken at our "halfway point" at the OB pier. rode my bike from balboa park to PB then back again with a group of a couple hundred cyclists. the group split up and dwindled down to about 50 or so by the time we got back to balboa. im surprised i made it. pretty much died from soreness the next day tho. for all you bike riders they meet at the fountain at balboa park every last friday of the month.



march. chillen with the fam at the airport waiting for my dad's boarding time. pops went to oklahoma for some annual work related training for the post office.


april. too cool for school.

april. after 3 month of getting work piled on my desk, i finally have a fairly clear desk.


may. chillen at my auntie's house with my lolo and dad.


june. my friends jenn and chris get married. congrats guys!


july. my cousin finally turns 21. im proud of you cuz. had a crazy night with the cousins at D&Bs


july. summer's in full swing. gas prices blow up.
i actually took this picture as proof to my sister that i did not use up her gas when i borrowed her car.


july. bowled a 266. yes, i'm the second "J" i have witnesses.


august. took a trip to orlando with the fam. didnt really expect this vacation. dad kinda surprised us with it. i was lucky i was still had some annual leave for the vacation. american airlines suck. saw some thunderstorms while we were flying over texas at night. it was a pretty bad ass sight to see. felt like at any moment a lightening bolt would hit the plane.





the only representative filipinos have on its a small world.


mark twain's stuff.

fireworks behind epcot's japan pavilion.


big ball thingy at epcot. there's actually a ride in that thing called spaceship earth. this was pretty much my dad's favorite ride.



went to cape canaveral/kennedy space center. really interesting exhibits and presentations.
overall the vacation was pretty cool. nice quality family time. i dont usually spend much time with my family besides going to church with them and eating weekend meals with them, so i t was nice to just chill as a family. the extreme heat and humidity killed it, but we made the most of our time there. good times. i guess i dont really think about it much, but family vacations (or any type of family time) for my family come few and far between, so i guess this latest vacation is something i can appreciate. i realize that i take my family for granted and sometimes put more focus and importance on chilling with my friends. i regret it, but i guess it is what it is. all our schedules always seem to conflict, especially with my dad working the swing shift at night. i guess what im trying to say is that i enjoyed the vacation and i love my family. and i wish that hanging out with my family was as easy as hanging out with friends.


august. went to the del mar horse races for the first time.. i think i'll stick to the casinos and caliente.


september. went to the chargers season opener against carolina. 26-24 carolina. =(


october. a 15 year old morse high school student starts a fire in the canyon. my neighborhood pretty much goes crazy. i found out later that the news reported my street was under evacuation, but no one in my neighborhood actually left. the whole ordeal was pretty surreal.
im glad none of my neighbors' houses burned down. thank you firefighters.









stuff without pics:
december 07: RIP Lola. miss you, love you.

january 08: RIP Jeff Pascua. miss you bro.

february: turned 22. dont even remember what i did this year for my birthday. either it was that good, or that uneventful.

august: the homie felix moves to chicago. bon voyage shindig at jackie's house. good times. take care of yourself felix, godspeed.

september: shaved my mustache. broke my nose playing football, which resulted in a septal hematoma and infection in my nose. my nose is pretty much fucked up and there's still a chance it might get worse and need reconstructive surgery. funny thing is, of all the times i play tackle football, this injury happened when i was playing flag football and it was my own team mate that accidently headbutted me while we were going for the quarterback. haha

october: RIP Mischelle Gallardo, we'll miss you.



so i guess that was my year since last october. had it's ups and downs just like any other year. after posting this, i realize that i need to take more random pictures like these. i know there are so many other events that i can't remember, it'd be so much easier to recall those memories if i had the pics. so i'll try to make more of a conscious effort to take more photos.


yeah, that was a pretty random post.

a friend of mine from high school just passed away. im writing this entry after just attending her funeral service. my prayers and condolences go out to her family and all her friends coping with these tough times. under different circumstances the services could be considered a high school reunion. i saw some faces i havent seen in a long time. its a shame that we all had to gather together on these terms. rest in peace Mischelle.

dealing with death in general has been a difficult issue for me. i don't know why but i always have a hard time of expressing my emotions. i dont really know how to explain it, but its almost like i dont feel anything. i know and think to myself that im suppose to feel sad. and in my mind, i do feel sad for the loss, but in regards to expressing those emotions, nothing comes out. i felt bad that it took so much for me to cry at my grandmother's funeral, . i miss my grandma, my friends Jeff, JR, Mischelle, and all the other loved ones that have passed away. i love them and i wish i showed more emotion at the time of their loss. i almost feel jealous towards people that openly cry and express themselves. and it's not like im holding myself back from my emotions, its almost like i lack them in a sense. i just dont know what it is, but it really bothers me sometimes.

i hate realizing that as im getting older, i find myself attending more and more funerals. i guess growing up, you never really think about losing loved ones, you kind of expect them to be there forever. but that's the reality of life; death is something everyone has to deal with. and i guess as people get older, we realize the interactions and connections we have with people and experiencing the death of close friends/relatives, especially those you have interacted with a lot gives you a perspective on your own mortality.

i hate how im so insecure about every aspect of my being.

i havent visited my grandpa in a week. i know i should. i want to, but every time i see him, i can't help but think, 'is this the last time im going to see him alive?'

the whole situation with my family doesnt help the whole visiting situation. i wish my dad and his siblings could just get it together and put their pride aside. if i only knew how to help, i would. i guess everything is easier said than done. but all this shit is getting old. and its putting a strain on the relationships within the whole family.

i still can't believe it. i guess i just dont want to believe or acknowledge the mortality of my family. i've never imagined losing anyone in my family until my grandma passed away. i guess there's a time in everyone's life where death becomes a reality and becomes something you have to address or at least cope with.

Praying for my family..

08/19/2008

my grandfather is dying.

wow, thats the frist time i've consciously said that.
this whole situation is hard to deal with. not just my grandpa's health, but how my family is reacting to it. some are in denial, for some this has acted as a catalyst to spark old grudges, some people don't know how to react.

its just crazy to realize how fucked up your family really is.
its crazy how situations like this can really bring out the best and worst in people. its seems, though, that its only bringing out the worst in my family.


i don't even want to believe that this is happening. i've been lucky enough to have my grandpa in my life for as long as i can remember. and to me he's always be a "superman," a role model, the patriach of the family. it's hard enough that my grandma passed away back in december. it's hard to imagine both of them being gone. For some reason i still believe that my grandfather can get through this and get better. he's always been the strongest one in our family. but now i can only hope and pray for him. i'd hate to be selfish and wish he could stay with us longer, but then again, i'd hate to see him in pain.


i hate writing, because i always lose my train of thought. i have so much running through my mind i can't type fast enough to get everything down. i always end up stopping and just letting my mind run, almost in a day dream. but i feel that this is the only way i can get all this out, besides praying and talking to God. its hard for me to open up to people. i wish i could just talk to someone i know about this. its been a tough year...