a friend of mine from high school just passed away. im writing this entry after just attending her funeral service. my prayers and condolences go out to her family and all her friends coping with these tough times. under different circumstances the services could be considered a high school reunion. i saw some faces i havent seen in a long time. its a shame that we all had to gather together on these terms. rest in peace Mischelle.

dealing with death in general has been a difficult issue for me. i don't know why but i always have a hard time of expressing my emotions. i dont really know how to explain it, but its almost like i dont feel anything. i know and think to myself that im suppose to feel sad. and in my mind, i do feel sad for the loss, but in regards to expressing those emotions, nothing comes out. i felt bad that it took so much for me to cry at my grandmother's funeral, . i miss my grandma, my friends Jeff, JR, Mischelle, and all the other loved ones that have passed away. i love them and i wish i showed more emotion at the time of their loss. i almost feel jealous towards people that openly cry and express themselves. and it's not like im holding myself back from my emotions, its almost like i lack them in a sense. i just dont know what it is, but it really bothers me sometimes.

i hate realizing that as im getting older, i find myself attending more and more funerals. i guess growing up, you never really think about losing loved ones, you kind of expect them to be there forever. but that's the reality of life; death is something everyone has to deal with. and i guess as people get older, we realize the interactions and connections we have with people and experiencing the death of close friends/relatives, especially those you have interacted with a lot gives you a perspective on your own mortality.