as much as i'm able to socialize and communicate with my friends and other people, sometimes i feel like this is my only outlet to express these types thoughts.  i dont want to be judged, but at the same time, i keep most of these entries public.  i don't expect anyone to read them or respond either.  or maybe deep down i really do.  fuck. i really don't know.  maybe this is the only way i feel comfortable letting people in, even if it's just by happenstance.  is this making me feel any better?  i don't know...

i'm not a sad person, by any means.  i'm not a particularly happy person either.  i have my peaks and valleys just like anybody else.  i just hope if anyone does stumble upon this blog, they don't think i'm some emo, self-loathing, dude. 

maybe i should flood my social media with cliche inspirational quotes to feel better about myself, because i know i'll get a few likes from that. 

hold on tightly, let go lightly.
everything is nothing, nothing is everything. 

the little things

been thinking about my grandparents a lot lately. this always seems to happen during the holiday season. my family just hasnt been the same since they passed away. as a kid i would look forward to the trips to long beach for family gatherings, holiday family parties. My grandparents were the glue that kept us together. Now, my cousins and i struggle to keep the family bond strong. it might be too late for our parents' relationship with each other, but maybe not too late for us. anyway, i recently had a dream that i was sitting next to my lola, just like how we used to when i visited her. we were probably watching tv or something, i vaguely remember... but one thing that i remember the most was that i would randomly, almost unconsciously, hold her arm or hand or just pat her arm as we were sitting and she'd do the same. you know, just random signs of affection. but the thing that stands out is the way her skin felt. how soft it was. i also remember how when she was living in san diego with us, she's always watch old school westerns or 70's dramas. every now and then i find a channel randomly showing one of the shows she used to watch and just get so sad. she would often also have a sweater or some article of clothing on her lap and tiny scissors and she's snip the little lint balls that form on old clothes. i miss her. just typing this out and thinking about it makes me sad with a little cryball in my throat.

rough draft

people often ask me why ive never committed to a relationship and i make the excuse that i'm just not a commitment type of guy or the right girl hasn't come around yet.  maybe that's true; or maybe i've just been alone long enough to find comfort in myself.  some days it's enough.  other days... well,  i feel like an island, to say the least.  and i guess today is one of those days. 

one can only find so much comfort in solitude.  it's not the same as the kind of comfort you find holding another person's hand or seeing that single person that loves you as much as you love them after a long day, but what would i know about that?

i know that my insecurities prevent me from taking chances. i think part of it is i don't want to be judged for my flaws.  i don't want to feel vulnerable, so i only let people in to a certain extent, preventing me from making any meaningful emotional connection.

it's funny how one has to step out of their comfort zone to reach another level of comfort. but it is a choice and it requires action. 

solitude or love.  it's a big jump in between those two zones. 

we're all rough drafts headed towards the same ending.  i'm just hoping i find someone along the way where we're able to finish each others sentences/sandwiches

moved to tumblr. find me. or ax me.

kinda curious on who actually reads this stuff.

on second thought, i'd probably rather not know. if i did, i'd probably become too self-conscious to write anything.

i look and feel like a zombie. these dark circles under my eyes are getting out of control. i really need to get some more sleep at night, but it's summer and honestly, i don't want to miss out on anything. the lack of sleep is taking it's toll though, but i'd take that over the feeling of being left out.

mass debating whether or not i should take summer school. honestly, i'd rather just work all summer and get paid, but i really should be trying to graduate as soon as possible. then again, i'm paying for my own tuition and i'd be more comfortable paying cash then using my credit card. damns, why can't i just win the lotto? then i wouldn't have to worry about much.

sometimes i don't understand my parents, especially my dad. he can be such a hard ass sometimes. i don't know what's going through his mind, but it's like every time i try to talk to him, he can't just speak freely for whatever reason; he'd rather be the strict dad, that always has profound stuff to say. i mean i can chat about sports and stuff with him, but more often then not, it's just so difficult to just talk to him.

in all honesty, i really don't expect him to be all buddy, buddy with me. he's just not that type of dad. and really i don't need it. i guess we have an understanding. i guess it goes into that school of thought that a parent should be a parent, not a friend. i accept that. and i believe that aspect of him is what i looked up to growing up. he was a tough guy, didnt take any shit. and now that i think of it, i don't know how he maintained that attitude being his size. i guess he had to joining the navy and being on his own. but i really looked up to him growing up, and i still do.

i can count that times i saw my dad cry or show any weakness on one hand. they were when my lola passed away, when my lolo passed away, and when he was in the hospital for kidney stones. i don't know where i'm going with this, but i just had to put it out there that, even though i dont fully understand why my dad the way he is, i respect him and love him, even if i don't say it.



now.... what do i get him for father's day.

damns. feeling hella stressed out from school and work.

i'm a little worried about the outcome of my final i took on saturday. i guess i'll have to wait and see.

anyway, a lot of graduation parties and what not this weekend. i just wish i was graduating too this year. i'm hella lagging.

can't wait to get faded/relax/chill.

damns, its days like these i wish i were at least a few inches taller.

sall good tho, can't really do much about it.

school and work are kicking my ass right now.
why can't i just win the lottery?

the homie JR's 6 year death anniversary just passed on 4/30. i still cant believe its been that long. i think it was the end of my sophomore year in high school when he passed away. his death was really the first i've experienced of someone fairly close to me. it was really hard to deal with.

I knew JR in middle school, but didnt really get to know him until high school at morse. i don't know if a lot of people knew this, but he was in JROTC and made the color guard team. which was the same team i was on. we were cg "brothers." he was one of the one of the final 6 that made/stayed on the team. i remember going through all the crazy work outs, training, PT (physical training), and even hazing with him, and he would always have this happy go-lucky attitude all the time. he could always lighten up the mood no matter how tired or beat up we were. he was just a true homie. and even though cg took up a lot of our time, he still kept it g with his other homies too. i also remember his damn neon. fuckin 4-door he made into a 2-door. always said he was working on it, unfortunately or maybe fortunately, i never got a chance to ride in that thing.

when the news of his death/suicide came, it was so unexpected. i don't think anyone saw it coming. it was like "why?" why didn't he talk to any of us, why didn't anyone see any signs, was there foul play involved? it was just crazy. i find myself wondering how things would be like if he were still here. just like how i wonder how it would be like if my lolo and lola were still here, if jeff or mischelle, or all the other family and friends that passed away. i think of all the things i could've/should've done or said before they passed away. the subject of death still bothers me. all the grief and sadness is something i don't want to feel. but death is a part of life, it's real. its just something i hate dealing with.

anyway. guess i just had to get that out of my system someway.

Rest in Peace X Power X Paradise.







so.... how bout that Pacquiao? that fight was crazy.